Hide Away

Seen a disfigured face?
A deformed look?
Flawed to the point of unbearable sight?

If this is the reason to being hideous, it's well understood.
But what if it's pretty normal looking or even looking presentable
and yet the feeling of hiding away is so... strong?

What's the hiding?

Hideous...hiding...hide way.
Let no one find me
Let me be away from all that sees
Where no eyes can hold me
In a place of no-seeing
No eyes looking,
non-perceiving
here, there
Safe, safe everywhere...

Was that it? Fears? I heard you say.
Oh No! Not only fears...

It's deception, it's self-dishonesty,
self-betrayal and hiding from self what is to be seen.

Buried the truth within,
wrap it up like a gift with pretty ribbons over it
and color papers of yours and my liking.

but what's inside it is,
a chunk of surprises that before opening up
it's not all sweet already.

Something that I'm not willing "TO SEE"
"TO FEEL" "TO KNOW" and what could that be?

It's just too uneasy and mysteriously dark, for me...

Is this a game of hide and seek?
Ah...like God always hiding.
Even we were told that the Divine is in everything,
animate and inanimate, but do we see?
Of cos' God's hiding from me.
And I...
I'm hiding from me...

How long shall this be?
A game of hiding in the seeking
And who's in the hiding and the seeker seeking?

I don't know how to find, with a map or
a compass or A heart of TLC?
What kind of operation is this, can anyone tell me?

So, all that is hidden becomes known,
as my intuition abounds through clarity of vision.

So soon enough. I'll expose Me, Myself and I.

What a wait!
What an awful confusing and mysterious game...
The hideous and the seeker is the one same being...Gosh!

God and I are also one....real confusing!

What a path!
What a game!
Of Hiding Away.

Utter Nonsence

Have you ever felt in your life that everything
just seems like it doesn't make sense anymore?

Everything 'out there' seems so meaningless...pale

I begin not able to understand why this is so as I
understand more about life.

It's ironical.

I wake up one morning and realize that all that I learn, 
all these ideas I heard, that I felt resonance, 
starts to drop away. All the seminars, workshops,
books that gave precious knowledge, 
that stirs wonderful musings and
pondering in me, all seemed colorless.

Looking into the mirror, 
it's but my reflection, years of age,
plain and colorless, 
simply human, flesh and blood.

Looking at the blank wall, 
it's another depth of reflection,
the pounding of my heart, 
the breath I take, the warmth inside of me,
the life-force that runs through my body and beyond,
and the feeling of something much more is opening up.

Something within is trying to get 
my conscious mind out of these ideas,
thoughts and all that sounds sane and clear.
All that I see around me it's the same, nothing changed.
Yet a sense of the moment, of how simple this moment is,
felt so plain yet unusual.

Maybe my eyes have changed, or my inner eye changed.
My sight, it's fading, like the fading of a bloomed flower.

Things seemed to peel off and dropped away.
It's another kind of death I suppose,
but this time nothing grey or depressing. 
Surprised!

It's just spells loud in me that all that is out there, 
is utter nonsense.
It's strange.....

...because it's not a rebellious feeling,
it's a gentle moment of sensing.

The inner feeling of what I feel through 
my five senses is trying to communicate this.

I'm not sure this time it's an entry to my belief 
system or a delete of it.
It's another feeling of being shaken,
of feeling unsure of the sure knowing.

No, I'm not sure.

I've seen people with so much conviction 
towards something, myself included, 
just to find the next moment they do not
have that same level of believe anymore.

Well, it doesn't make sense anymore to me to take
whatever the world gives from out there, 
so it's time to seewhat kind of 'inside' world 
can I reach within to take.

As before that happens, 
everything operates in Utter Nonsense.

Choosing Joy

Joy and happiness is a choice

Everyday we are faced with many choices. 
We are spoilt for choice.
Choices allows freedom that confuses us further, 
or offers us clarity focusing toward a single goal.

We can squander our time and money in idle 
and trivials or place it where it brings us Joy 
that touches the core of our hearts. 
Where we place our energies, 
become our experiences and who we are.

We can choose to place them where 
our hearts sing joyously to the rhythm of the universe.
Or where we find simple and meaningful existence
Or towards a Vision that leaves a legacy
Or nurturing our body, mind and spirit 
as an individual or a whole community

Would that bring Joy in our lives?

So have you chosen Joy?
Or are you that Joy?
Or are you finding Joy?
Or are you channeling joy? Expressing Joy?

When did you last laugh until your sides ached?
Do you dare to lose control and let the joy carry you?

"Can you be with joy, mine or your own,
if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us
to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of human being?"

Have I chosen Joy?

Joy can be as simple as

The breath of fresh air
Cool water on a hot day
Warmth of fire on a cold night
The sweat after a workout

Sweet taste of mango
The smell of crisp morning air, 
and dew under the feet in a garden
The color of sunset

The touch of a lover
The warmth of two mouths hungrily 
reaching for each other,
merging together as one

Joy can be as deep as
The mystical and ecstatic experience of the Divine, 
that swirls, vibrates, pulses from within
The consciousness of belonging to something larger than life
The feeling of inter-connectedness with the Whole, 
nature and spirit Of Oneness

"Why is it often hard for us to choose joy, 
even in moments when there are no painful 
circumstances in our lives?"

Maybe, we simply do not know how.
We may think that things are "not good enough"

Joy can be a hopeful feeling, of what is in the future.
But what if it's not what it seemed to be?

Being jaded in the past, disappointment is set 
in an effort to guard and prevent the rude awakening 
of unanticipated letdown, of letting loosely to Joy. 
In a way, to feel in control.

So the door for Joy chooses to close.
And so is the door of Life.

Can Joy be experienced without going through Pain?
Can Joy be centered and  not polarized with the duality of Pain?

"Will there comes a time that the bud of 
a flower by remaining close
is more painful than opening it's petals?" 

Can the process of flowering be forced upon?
Flower comes from the word 'flow' and 'er'.
It's a process that is flowing, or flowering.

I wonder if the plant ever feels pain 
in the flowering process?
It's just like giving birth. The process of delivery.
Going through the labor pain, 
then comes the Joy of new life.

And here, we've devise methods 
not to feel the pain.
Anesthetize and numbing our senses 
so we can go on creating life.

And have we also devise not to feel 
directly by intellectual reasoning
and logical denial so we can be lighter 
and therefore up-lifted?

"Aren't feelings buried alive never dies? "
Or carry on to the next cycle of 're-birth' ?

I was grieving over something that happened in my life.
People around encourage me to come out 
of it and enJoy life.
And discourage the process of grieving.

The process of grieving, I realized, 
went through few different stages
from denial, guilt to anger.

I was influenced by people around, 
being open and vulnerable,
I loses my center and stance on my feet.
Where is my boundary? Where's my back-bone?



"Can you sit with Pain, mine or your own, 
without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it?"

Many people felt uneasy and unbearable to 
witness and sit with someone in Pain,
because they cannot not be touched by their own Pain,
and feeling responsible for alleviating the pain
.

My still small weak voice within calling out to nurture,
healing all past wound and injury that gathered suddenly,
like a rushing force surfacing, 
where there can be no holding back, only surrendering.



It was pre-mature opening up to enJoy, 
and the re-bound was a hard one for me to take.
There was no running away. 
I've to face each emotion squarely as it comes up.

Each part of me takes its turn to come to terms,
retrieving parts of myself that I leave behind,
so there can be a harmonious symphony.

"A wound not fully felt consumes from the inside.
There was no way out but through."

It wasn't easy for me, for I do not know what to expect next.
Although many people around went through different 
yet similar experiences.

I realized that whether grieving or going through a failure,
it's a very individual experience,
that people do not react or feel the same way,
even though the processes are similar.

We are not so different after all.
Yet, we cannot judge the experience.

When the wimpy me whine 
like a child's throwing tantrum,
I think I was on cosmic playground, on the see-saw.
(like what I was told! Yet, it's my way of
 pressing for more solid Love)

I've to apologize to my dear loved one
for putting up with this Mad Clown of age 3; 
less the other numeric behind it.

For me, this whole process is like a 
birthing experience of another kind.
Going through my labor pain of drastic waves 
of emotions of that realization
Of self-denial, self-sabotage, non-acceptance, self-betrayal
Of self-blame and curse

The pain of feeling my own lack of faith and trust,
lack of stability and commitment

In this pain, something inside me is born,
and there is no turning back.

"If we are strong enough to be weak enough,
we are given a wound that never heals.
It is the gift that keeps the heart Open."
Something within me
Never have been known to me,
waiting to flower, waiting to fragrant the soul,
and color it's Light

The gift and birth of a new Joy

Inner Dance in Town and Country Magazine, Philippine Edition (August Issue)

Inner Dance in Town and Country Magazine, Philippine Edition (August Issue)

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Inner Dance; The Experience of The inner dancer, The initiation

From the every 1st inner dance experience till today, it has been an amazing process for me. I'm really grateful for it all.

I came to the first Inner Dance in this year March 15, when I was facing some challenges, coping with what had happened in my life. The energy of the Inner Dance that I experienced is Pure Love, so strong yet so gentle, which melts away all resistance and releases negative emotions and tensions that are stored in my being and created a sacred space within me.

On the other hand, it had opened up my sensitivity, which had also presented as a challenge too. I was so opened and sensitive that I was fearful of the energies around me. I began slowly learning to balance the inner experience with life on the outside. It wasn't easy though as I began. It's like learning a new skill.

That which is call 'dance' didn't even feel or look like one in the beginning. I was jerking clumsily and my arms were stiff and didn't move at all. When they moved the next day after my 1st Inner Dance experiential workshop, the movements are somewhat jerky and uncontrollably wild.

Pi's partner Daniw, shared with me her own experiences and taught me to communicate with the energy, telling it to be gentle to me. I tried a few times but couldn't get it, although slowly it became gentler. Since then, I thought about her words- communicating with the energy, but how? I don't know so I 'Keep-In-View' in this moment.

When Pi, the founder of Inner Dance, went back to Philippines, the group of Inner Dancers meet regularly for practice and I joined them. I also practice it on my own, on and off, at home, while traveling, any time of day and night when I can feel the energy.

When Pi came to Singapore again in May, I went for his workshop. That time, I felt even more attuned to the Inner Dance's energy and it helped me to better integrate with it, and again I felt Pi's presence is like a power house, sending out healing energy in waves.

Weeks ago, I attended one musical performance from Temple of Fine Arts called Damaru. Many different types of drums and musical instruments were used. During certain parts of the performance, I again had emotional released, and was crying in the theater. It felt like a past-life thing which I don't understand consciously. Throughout the 3 hrs performance, I was dancing in my seat and the Indian man next to me thought I was a dancer. Then I explained to him about Inner Dance.

Now in Sept, Pi is in Singapore. I went to the group session 4 days ago and again I experienced emotional released and alignment of my body, the inner understanding that Inner Dance is also a soul language through the body.

In that session, as again, a lot of energy was flowing through me, so warm, I felt like releasing the tension in my spine. So I just went into the Yoga Pose call the Wheel, which I had avoided for a long time as doctor told me to after I had a minor accident. But I felt my body needed it, and was re-aligned after that.

There were moments that my logic-mind interfered and I couldn't relax. When I ask myself to relax and just watch, I had a taste of what the body is conveying through the movements; a message that either connects with an emotion or an image in my mind and felt like communication going on. I heard within me saying 'Soul Language' .

Yet, I was resisting going too deep into my being. I didn't want a catharsis, which I had a major one the 1st time. I didn't want to be a crying baby for I cried too much already, and refuse to face the breaking moments again. I resisted healing and opened my eyes. The moment I stared up the ceiling, unexpectedly, I broke down and cry.

In the process, I was crying for forgiveness. Support and help was given to me while the release in me was going on. For a while I was weeping, Catherine came to me with her hands on as she begins her light language, but I didn't know who was that at first, for a few others like Daniw came and help me on different occasions.

And a strange feeling arose within me as I heard her speak. It was as if I understood her language and accepted her message which sounded like an Angel's consolation and advice to me. After that session, I felt blank again, like usual, and somewhat dumbfounded when it's time for sharing, though I had much to share. Words runs through my head yet nothing comes out from my mouth.

2 days later after that session, I had a realization.

The mistakes I made, the sinner I felt I was, trails of sins I felt carried from past-lives has weighed on me. I have been going through self-condemnation, self-punishment, self-sabotage.

As usual, I was applying essential oils. While I was saying some releasing statements of forgiveness, I came into a meditative state.

I heard within me saying that the mistakes I have made is for me to learn to be on the right path. Not exactly the usual judgmental of morally right and wrong which sets myself up going to the courtroom in my mind every time, but the right path that leads me to my divine self.

I learn spirituality from spiritual teachers, from books, from others' spiritual experience, but it's always so different when the learning happens from within. It's so simple yet so empowering.

From teachers, I was taught to embrace our shadows.
I read that Satan Lucifer is the bringer of Light , but why?

I was taught to reach down into my shadows to reveal my light, but how?

I read from esoteric teachings that: "Hush! it is a great secret, but his name is Yeheswah, and he is the Saviour of the World. Hush, tell nobody ever, that is Satan, and he is the Saviour of the World." Why?

My long term questions have been answered, as I sat;

The shadow is necessary to be there.
In the world of duality, and polarity in nature,
Light cast upon an object and created shadow
The shadow points to the direction of the light.
The mistakes made points to the right path to be taken

I realized I've been in the shadow and trying to run away every time when it's too deep down, too dark. I couldn't bear to stay long enough, that I wasn't able to switch to the light or transmute the dark feelings and thoughts.

And I saw that this 'pain' body- feels the pain;
the personality- drama; and the shadow self- darkness;
all is apart from the pure untainted divine self.

Then my logic mind starts to pray for help to be always connected to divine.
But within me says stop, for its not help that I pray for as the connection is always there.
It's an illusion to perceive that I'm disconnected.

I also realize I had prayed from a place of neediness, of lack, of victim-consciousness, not so much from divine power and understanding. So I learn this time on another level not just from books, It's an affirmative prayer of divine connection.

And that divine is contained within me,
and me in the divine.

As I affirm the divinity within, my arms began to move with the affirmations,
translating the words into movements; inner-dancing,
and it felt like a communication is going on within my different levels.

For once, I had a touch or a taste of I-am-ness. And now I remembered.
Pi was sharing many things about alchemy, transmuting and grounding, and one of them is to ground in the I-am-ness, I am That, I am Divine.


Yesterday, 15 Sept, exactly 6 months from the first Inner Dance session, I had a personal Inner Dance healing session with Pi and Daniw. I had another beautiful experience.

Pi told me its a different approach call Bars, that there will be more feeling of the energy running through, not so much of dancing. I was made to lie down and immediately I felt very strong energy pulsating throughout my whole body as I kept still. So strong yet so comfortable, feels like a spa bath.

As Daniw worked on my head, my arms moved in concerto. I felt the energy are like codes downloading and unlocking my body, while my body decoding it.
The involuntary movements are just as strong as my first Inner Dance experience yet my movements are more intricate this time, and I felt lighter than before. I was tearing as I felt the releasing of tension.

I felt I was in the shady woodlands, surrounded by trees, plants and river flowing nearby. I felt I saw Daniw as a fairy angel with translucent wings, her hands on my head and Pi like a fairy elf of some kind dancing, walking around.

While the energy moved my head and feet, I felt my whole body is coming into a flow of harmony. Toward the end of the session, I was made to sit up. And again the energy so strong yet ever so gentle supported me lovingly in the process.

It was then I had an realization, that I have been living so much of my time in fears. And I felt the understanding that my body is a tool for the divine self to work through it. My arms were dancing this message while tears streamed down my cheeks. There was a sense of reverence and surrender- surrender may not be the right word but close to it, till I find the right word I'll put it as that.

I felt this time was really an initiation for me.
The very first Inner Dance experience that follows was a test prior to this initiation.
This whole experience have been very sacred for me.
And this is only the beginning!

I wanted to thank Pi and Daniw for coming back, and I thank God for them.

Veil of Light

The Great Mother Divine Feminine, Isis The Goddess is Veiled. For so many reasons that she's veiled, one of them is that it protects against the the shock of the Great mystery.

"For her secret is only accessible to people who have become mature through mystical contemplation or other exercises. That whoever penetrates without permission becomes an animal"

Her veil of light conceals her secret and denies a glimpse of her to everyone who is not worthy of this initiation. Her veil conceals the Great Mystery which remains eternally sealed to the exploring, penetrating, and perceiving consciousness (masculine), and the truth of which can only be revealed through a mystic display of grace.


The following is a sentence read at the foot of Isis statue in Sais:
" I am that everything that was, that is, that will ever be. No mortal will ever be able to discover what that lies beneath my veil"

In thoth tarot card Priestess, she is the Eternal Virgin who is pure;

She is clothed only in luminous veil of light
It is important for high initiation to regard Light not as the perfect
manifestation of the Eternal Spirit,
but rather as the veil which hides the spirit

Thus she is light and the body of light.
She is truth behind the veil of light
She is the soul of light
She is the idea behind all form...

-Aleister Crowley

Open-wounded Lover's Gift

 An open heart with open wounds...
Isn't it Love that heals?
How can healing takes place if a heart closes?

How about a wounded heart that opens for Love 
that is raw and sensitive to the very core?
Is this process healing and comforting or 
damaging, hurting, destroying?

What can heal can hurt
Fire can give light and life
yet burns and destroys

That's the seduction of Life
The seductress is both the seduced and the seducer
The fly that heads toward the Light, so seduced by it
plunge into the fire to be destroyed by it and
 gets liberated through it

The Lover is also the Beloved
The giver is also the the Gift
Love is God and God is the Gift
But where is this Gift?

J could be my Gift.

J is my mirror counterpart. My love for her 
is unceasing. I start to learn to love her without
 a sense of dread, without the emotional 
pendulum swinging to the opposite 
side of hate. My acceptance of her has increased. 
However, I don't know how to deal with 
her for she's badly wounded.

At times, she's so guarded with her heart
 that I can feel her uneasiness. 
Just look into her eyes and you'll see the weariness 
on the paths she has tread upon. 
If you asked her how she's feeling, 
she'll always reply: "Good, in fact better than before, 
for I've learned so much more" But, the truth is not so.


She's looking very hard into herself, 
inquiring the different aspects of her life, 
reviewing what has past, and checking on the present.

Her 12yrs relationship with her partner has ended for good
 and she's greatly relieved. But the damage done to her heart
 is not yet over, for it has not healed. How long does healing takes? 
No one can determine that. It's not exactly like giving birth
 that an estimation of 9 months pregnancy can be measured in time.

J confides that she's got mixed feelings about many things
that her rational mind just can't understand and 
yes I agree I don't. She asks how long do others usually
 take to get over the hard-feelings. I check that some 
in a year relationship took a year to get over it. 


So she asks me what's the hurry? Isn't it too soon, 
too fast to open her heart to enter a new relationship? 
She says she felt pressurized by the urgency of getting 
things in the order of the rational and by rigid measures 
of proportions of the 'shoulds'.

She wants to rest her heart so very badly. 
She wants it healed more than I and anyone else does.
 She knew she had gained some strength from the hope
 that her new boyfriend or lover gave her or... maybe not, 
maybe its just pure fantasy. For he is not so new. 


After all, he's someone she knew for some time. 
But being in this partnered dance with him was agreeably new. 
 I wish she could just live with hope and trust, 
having full-faith that life will blossom like lotuses and jasmines. 
Let go and let its healing beautiful fragrance rejuvenates. 
Like rainbows after every storm. That's hopeful.

But hope soon turned to dust. 
Her heart is restless, and she is listless.
Is it not now the time to give and fall in love again 
with heart wide open? 


Open further and beyond the pain 
is where the Void is? 
Where unconditional Love can be found?
Or is it the time for incubation? Rest and retreat 
from outside stimulus?

Courage is so required to move on and not turn away 
from what life may brings. It's a daunting task for her 
Now and she has to be reminded of God always, 
for God gave her strength and refuge. 
But her physical tiredness has taken the toil.

She feels like a fallen angel, losing her powers and strengths, 
walking in the dark with flickering candlelight. 
She feels like God is playing hide and seek with her, 
and this time lost her balance through God's 'lila' (play).

So many sleepless nights I accompanied her. 
After every 'highs' from her charming lover she dive 
into the 'lows'. She enjoy being with her lover very much
doing anything and whatever together. Experience losing 
herself in it, in him. 


That intimacy, that bonding and joy 
of closeness, that she may give of herself and then expects 
his unfailing love, which may or may not be reciprocated 
and by her measure and dictation, 
feared that he may fail her heart.

It's mental torture for me to face all her probing questions
 over and again: Could it be pre-mature to get into a 
new-relationship that so pained after and over again. 
Is it too immediate? What's the hurry? 
Why did I not feel love received? ....
Would he fail me? or I fail him?... What am I doing？...

So much love is needed to heal a wound.
How about deep wounds?
I guess some others may not understand 
what's she going through.
Just like one who never tasted spicy hot chili 
will never know what its like.

I have no doubt that she will heal
No doubt that one day rainbow will be hers...or
maybe she's that rainbow'ed'
that she's found her way to a healed- opened- rainbowed heart.

J, my beautiful mirror counter-part,
My Beloved,

To J with unconditional love

I thank Life

I thank life for the mystery it brings
the unknown in our paths
excitement and enthusiasm
of what's coming up next

I thank life for difficult and challenging obstacles
thereby inspiring the creativity in me
By overcoming them
leading me to new directions and amazing possibilities
Seeing light and shadows
my talents, strengths and weaknesses
Seeing my true true self

I thank life for each stormy weather pained in grief
Cleansing the earth and air with it's releasing power
Brings with it a gift of renewal
Like a smiling rainbow that ease the heart
Rejoices in playful-colored dancing lights

I thank life for fire of Passive Passion
Bright and hot yet does not burn
Rushes through my blood in red hot fashion
Beating on the heat of my heart

Becoming A-live
Pulsating through my life
Through my very being
flowing from my heart to my soul

I thank life
for uncovering God
I thank God for discovering life

May God fill me with life
May my life be filled with God

Live like You're Dying

"When it's over I want to say: all my life i was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms. - MARY OLIVER

Death

In its grandeur, she's the Goddess of Light
cloak in darkness

If You chose her as your constant companion,
You'll love her like none other
For she brings fearlessness and purposefulness,
a touch of authenticity to your life.

She has, chosen You, as her companion
right from the beginning of your birth

She loves you, irregardless of your ignorance,
gender, color,creed, caste, status and religion.
And I love her.
I revel in her. 
I stand before Her in prostration.
She is my religion.
She purifies. She vivifies.
She brings the whole world
to her feet in humbleness.

She brings with Her the greatest Gift of Life
against all other expectations.
Receive her gift with complete acceptance,
And She bestows your Life with radiant wonder

Death is her name
Yet she teaches me to fall in Love with Life
Acquaint with Her at all times,
and life becomes a Miracle.

She teaches me many times about Life,
to open beyond all openness
To connect beyond all connections,
and to love with absolute abandon

I could dive into her arms and let my breathe be the last
But I heard Her uproarious laughter as she enters parts of me
She takes on many guises and comes in many ways
For her loyal friend 'Fear' is always by Her side.

To open to Her to receive her wondrous gift,
we must be willing to be opened to her dearest friend, Fear
Welcome Her, Embrace Her, Rejoice in Her

Death ...
in waking moments.
Each breathe brings Her closer
Each night, in peace She speaks
Listen...
to Her solemn silence
Death

Present Life Regression

When I started crying in the inner dance experiential workshop, the 1st image came to me was during my childhood- about 2 or 3 years old. I saw I was reaching my hands out crying for mommy, but was ignored. My mom was there, however, she literally walked away after a while.

My nose was so jammed up with all the phlegm from the crying as the inner dance session started in lying down position, I could hardly breathe through my nostrils. So I sat up, clear my nose with some tissue paper and the healers continue to work on me.

While the facilitators / healers, Pi and Daniw touched certain points in my body, it triggered something unexplainable. Like pushing a button, unlocking what was beneath me. I felt waves of Pure unconditional Love gushing and flooding me, I broke down crying again. My logical mind was watching the whole process, taken aback and it heard the crying. 


It sounds so... so sad! The logic mind even wonder whether am I disturbing other participants, and tries to lower the volume of my cries. Then scenes of the past- this present life time, came to me. From faces of people and sometimes just the emotions associated with the event or person came up and I was releasing all these stored emotions.

In fact, I was not moving much. The energy was running through me and I was jerking and vibrating. When Daniw worked on my hips, the intensity increases. It came a point that I was wailing real loudly, and that was when Daniw held me in her arms from behind. 


She gently pushed me forward and... Wow! I forgot everything! I just had to let go and wail like nobody's business. My logic mind watched, and for a minute the mind was concern with the yucky mucous falling onto the mat, but then it has no time to think further for I was at the peak of my release.

These peak emotions was associated with my relationship with God. The yearning, the pain, the sweetness and all the miseries. Now as I looked back, I remembered what happened about one month ago before this inner dance comes into my life, I was crying and wailing for God in my room. I asked :'Where are U, God?' 'Are U really there?' 'U promise that with one-pointed devotion u will come, and when will that be? 


Are U really in me, in this room, in animate and inanimate objects? Can U show me a sigh? i don't want to know U- God from another person or another book, I want direct experience with U. Or was I not worthy of U? Or I've not done enough? I guess I wasn't good enough, I must have done something bad, I'm sorry....blah blah.... The cries sounds very close to this catharsis in the inner dance.

Something had triggered it that day but I couldn't remember what. I guess that tension was build up for a period of time already while I was asking from time to time: God, where are you? It was to the point of madness that I broke down.

At the end of my inner dance experiential session, I burst into laughter when I was made to lie down. My crying switched to laughter. I can literally feel the energy coming out from my core, at the abdominal diaphragm area. It was so intense that I couldn't stop at all. I felt like it's going to go on, and that my esophagus and throat seems too narrow for it to let out.

As Daniw was coaxing my senses, calming me down at towards the end, she caressed me, humming to the light-hearted tune of :'Somewhere over the rainbows' - one of my favourite song. I felt so good and that she gave me something that I longed for sub-consciously. For in my memory, I couldn't remember if my mom ever did this to me. Slowly, I began to weep and cry again.

I felt so overwhelmed, my senses heightened and I was so taken aback by everything that had happened. It happened too fast. I very much needed space and time to process it slowly, like chewing my food so that I can receive its full nutrients. 


I felt I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to go back to the Inner dance advance workshop either but I was so blank. I express it softly to my partner, and I thought that I didn't want to sound like I'm so troublesome so I just went ahead with him anyway.

Well, after the catharsis, there was so much challenges. This time the challenge is on all levels; physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

Feeling real awful now, but I know its happening here for my highest good. I'll definitely have a good laugh after I past through all this...

...mmm... when will that be?

Ha ha! Ha ha ha!

My converstion with Pi - Inner Dance

Not resting at home after the catharsis got me really uneasy and frustrated. I took my Faries deck of cards and ask about the inner dance and one card about myself-that card was reverse and it indicates a blockage or a negative side of its meaning which translate to be 'fire' and means a burnout.    Pi on the other line, told me to cancel that out saying that the earth is 3 million years old and so what is this 'burn-out" Then I mentioned to him about the dream I had the last nite. I was on a moving train. There was a man very relax lying on the floor.I went over to ask him what to do with this "burn-out" and he told me to transmute it. Pi told me that I have to learn to transmutation of energies right NOW. He told me that he's not to affirm the 'Burn-out" and that it had to be transmuted.  'Start practicing and discover the ability to change things, convert right away' says Pi.  He said that this begining stage after my cartharsis is going to be confusing for me, the fight of darkness and light within me, and he ask me to be simple and humble in approach. Be simple, put gaps and spaces into between my experience and digest, process it. Then make decisions about myself.  Be relax and say with soft possible energy to cancel out any negativities, and it will normalizes really fast.   He asked me to ground into the I Am-ness. I am that - divine Also do listen to my drreams. He said to do this on a more conscious level and go back to myself.---I feel that's what I'm doing right NOW- going back.   He also mentioned that old patterns will always return, yet just relax into it, letting go of attachments. See things in terms of levels, look for affirmations, signs, and going inside myself, learning to trust and have faith.  There're different levels of spirituality, and the highest is go deep inside.  He affirms: keep sending out positive energy as negative energy comes- its just illusion, and when there is ego and fear into this whole thing, it will close. See what's right and stay more aware Pi shared so many things but I can recalled that much for the moment and this is what he shared; the 3 things asking the universe/ spirit; 1. Ask 2. What to ask, knowing how to ask 3. How to listen

My Inner Dance; My re-birth 15 March 09

From the moment of the Inner Dance preview, I felt some energy flowing in my body, especially at the heart area. Then at the start of the experiential inner-dance session. I felt frustrated because I wasn't moving or dancing like the others. Later, my body begin to jerk involuntarily and I felt so clumsy.

However, the whole process was a beautiful experience for me. I was literally flooded in love. So much love bombarded me that I've no choice but break down and melt away. I had a catharsis. I kept crying and then laughed my heart out.

My logical mind was watching the whole process, unexpected and taken aback. It was such a wonderful release, I felt I was reborn. The whole process felt like I was going through a re-birth and Pi and Daniw are like my Dad and Mom giving birth and delivering me. After the session, I felt so opened-up, my sensitivity increased and I felt like a child.

I also took the inner dance advance workshop. I didn't know I was able to heal so immediately and readily. Pi and Daniw guided me with their patience and love sharing their expertise and knowledge. They intuitively knew what I was going through and gave me encouragement and confidence that I am able to be a healing channel. Now, my involuntary movements become more flowy, like a dance.

I've done other healing modalities before but this time, it is a mind-blowing experience for me. I'm very grateful to Pi and Daniw for this experience of the Divine.


blogs at
www.innerdance.multiply.com
www.innerdance.wordpress.com
www.maianeye.blogspot.com
www.pi-kalimata.blogspot.com

INNER DANCE with Pi Villaraza

INNER DANCE with Pi Villaraza

Inner Dance is the moment when the mind, heart and body find awe in suddenly moving to the rhythm of the soul.

It is dancing from the higher self and moving to the flow of the Universe.

Dance is usually body movements coordinated by the brain but Inner Dance is an automatic and spontaneous movement of the Self that actually catches the ego and the conscious mind by surprise.

"Inner Dance is much like the peeling of masks. Once it is performed, the glue [that] fastens these masks together is released and so like crumbling walls, layers and layers of these masks fall away. We either hang on to them (a useless gesture) or simply let go (which sets us free). Only then can we reach higher states of consciousness, " said Pi.



Inner Dance has been reported in over a dozen newspapers, magazines and internet articles in the Philippines, Asia and the US. It has also been featured in a full-length film documentary by a multi award winning film-maker as well as several television and radio programs.


TESTIMONIALS


"I am here to tell you about a movement that is growing throughout the Philippines, crossing over to parts of Asia, Europe and America. It's called The Inner Dance. It has helped me in my journey to release positive energy to all beings around me, wherever life takes me.
~ Chichi Luciano, Vision Magazine, San Diego, USA

"It was a major catharsis. The release of trapped energies healed my lower back pain, which had been torturing me for more than ten years!"
~ Angelito Vanuoy, Manila

"I achieved a deep release of some emotions holding me back from full self-expression. .. The benefits of Inner Dance were life-altering for me."
~ Angie Olloren, Manila

Will be done

Will be done

What I want

1) to be soft-clay in Baba's hands, to be molded to be transformed by Him
2) to become flower petals offered at his lotus-feet, soft with compassion, bright with knowledge of my divinity and fragrant with pure love


To develop:
1) Faith
2) Devotion
3) Pure Love
4) Patience
5) Perseverance

True happiness

I believe that the purpose of life is to be a happy being, and the goal of life is true happiness, bliss and peace. It does not mean we have to be perfect, it means we move towards perfection by choice and adjusting ourselves over time. Lifestyle and our habits in our life assumes this along with our past (conditioning of this lifetime and past ones). However we can always gather our power of choice and over time succeed in life.

A successful life is happy and fulfilling, although we may still be seeking our directions again over time.

"All that is gold does not glitter, not all those that wander are lost" J.R.R. Tolkien
Having a successful career with lots of money but cannot get along with everyone else can still be unhappy and unfulfilled. So a successful life is a balance life.


A simple and balance lifestyle is not always easy. It does not means poverty living that everything has to be reduced to almost nothing. It means richness in our existence within and without, in all life's arenas. No extravagance, so that one area of life's richness is not over-powering short-changing another area.

Alchemy

Transformation and Alchemy Insights from an ugly duckling to a beautiful swan

"I will surrender to the flow of the spiral and trust what I am shown"

"Because of my faith and acceptance, I have been changed. I have learn to accept the state of grace."

"As a white candle
In a holy place,
So is the beauty
Of an aged face."

My 2008

This year's theme seems for me is about 'values'. Learning about it in different aspects of life and challenging my basic beliefs. My values in the material, spiritual, psychological, whether its money or relationships they are all changing to its very depths. Its like 'me' getting a new identity, now a new born yet still in an old body in the same old environment. I've got new eyes, ears and mouth. I've changed my lenses, looking through the world with a new pair of eyes.

Well, it all happens out of one such incident on my birthday. One such dark lie and hurtful truth coming out of someone that really knocks me down, hitting the bottom. Once i reach there I knew I gotta come up again but things can NEVER be the same, I realized. I've grown again! Much bigger this time yet the lessons I took out of this have humbled me and toughen me up. I'm ready to go, met the world with child-like curiosity and more willing to connect to what life may bring.

I'm ready to leave, whatever the situation is, I left and went back inside me, return to my very core.
I knew I didn't do this alone, for there were signs that is loud and brightly lighted up for me that I cannot not see it, that Great Spirit was with me and still is. This incident left me with awe. That amazing power is always communicating if I open to listen. I came out of this pain and hurt only to find myself much delighted, filled with overflowing gratitude, and love. Yes, its love.

I can leave what is not meant well for me, no more struggle within or without. And I can leave but not without taking the lessons along with me. I saw myself, an aspect of myself I thought I knew but I saw it clearer this time round. I fell in love with that part of me, so beautiful I thought, yet that devil in me hated it equally. It says why can't I be more bitchy, get my butt off my seat and shake it, flaunt it. I'm in a classic love-hate relationship with 'me', but love always take over and win.

This time, I admit I won by not controlling but by surrendering to the Great Power and having faith, which is really not easy for me. But its even more painful and difficult holding things and controlling. This is lesson One. Its only my beginning of Surrender-ship with God, the universe, the Great Power, the Silent Observer, the Unconditional Lover, the Immaculate, the Infinite, the Supreme Bliss.

I love U, God.

Flowers

Positive people are like flowers
They give positive expressions of life in their different colors
They leave their fragrances to uplift and inspire


After they are plucked, new enthusiastic buds emerge and waiting to bloom
And if you surround yourself with positive people
Life becomes a Garden!

Worship & Devotion

The other day, one student asks me about "worshiping" pertaining to yoga in the spiritual context. As far as I know, to put it exactly, its a form of devotion in a higher sense, in which the process helps to transmute lower form of love into a higher form of love. Just like an alchemical process, transmuting matter into gold purifying and refining the quality of love in us. Through this devotional process, one can become an enlightened being, and the nerve channels that is knotted at the heart finally opens.

Gift Of Change

" What happens in life depends on who we are in life.
What we experience throughout the day has everything to do with who we are throughout the day. And who I am during the day has a lot to do with how I start it.

5mins spent with the Holy Spirit in the morning guarantees He will be in charge of our thought system throughout the day.

In a single moment, we choose between love and fear, yet the ego speaks first and the ego speaks loudest. The voice for God will not impose itself; it has to be received, made space for, and welcom His comfort at the beginning of the day, then something happens. It's not that we become perfect, but we become more aware. And awareness makes us miracle-ready in a way we would not otherwise be."

- Marianne Williamson, The Gift of Change

Life Insights

Life Insights

Recently, I have been sleeping very well after receiving this insight sounding loud and clear in my head:

Keep the peace and love and throw everything else away!


I felt so powerful with these words. It applies to the physical environment clutter,
mind clutter and affecting the spiritual. No extravagance but very filled with richness!

Belle

Have received this guidance from guides through oracle days ago when my friend and I doing some reading:

See with my heart - perceive with compassion

Hear with my soul - perfect listening at the level of the spirit, being full of light. Receiving acutely precisely with clarity and wisdom

Dive deep into myself and love who I become

In the process of becoming, we become who we really are
Becoming the immaculate one

Bhagavad Gita

Its been quite a while I haven't got time to jot down my thoughts these days. Been concentrating on my work, and trying to get my feet on the ground. Recently I've been reading on the Hindu epic- Bhagavad Gita, commentary by Sri Paramahansa Yogananda. Its about a war that prince Arjuna fight to win back his family's rightful kingdom against his other relatives. In this war, Prince Arjuna choses Lord Krishna as his counselor, advisor and teacher and through Lord Krishna he was taught the science and art of Yoga. It definitely inspires me and shook my soul (hopefully awaken it).

In each of us, there's a warrior like Arjuna, despondent to fight or actively fighting all the way with a mindfully clear direction ahead. And for me, this warrior is badly energy-constipated. I'm not saying that I have problem with my bowels, they do work fine, but not where I assert my force or will. With that said, I thought over about how I want to go about making small little achievements in my daily routine, less about earning tons of $$$. Even that was filled with 'obstacles' within and out. So its high time that I have to do something so that this Arjuna within me fights, and fights well!

So getting inspired, I make sure I meditate before I sleep, no matter how tired I am and the 1st thing I wake in the morning. Arjuna couldn't fight because there was so much emotional links to what he will slay but Lord krishna says that only the wise knows that this body is but a vehicle for the soul and not the soul for the soul is perfect and full of light and never dies. For me, its the ties to my bad habits, habits that bring me down and further away from achieving some simple healthy routines!

Lord Krishna advises us to offer all the work, the actions and fruits of actions as offerings to the infinite one so that even if one's work is incomplete, efforts are not wasted and one is not bounded by the bad effects of failure and success. One's humble work like cleaning (like that of a servant) is as great and important as the work of great ones. This is one important part of my evolution, this is Karma Yoga. Karma as action and yoga is towards union and oneness with the infinite. Every work done is offered to God, and all its harvest and fruits are offerings to God.

To think about it, all that we have, is from the infinite source, the universe, including our bodies. What doesn't comes from God? Nothing! God, the pure, unbounded, infinite spirit that is omniscience, omnipresent and omnipotent that exists within you and me does not 'need' anything, yet its us who 'need' so much until we forgot who we really are and got bounded by this chain of death and rebirth. This is trauma, its separation of our consciousness, our forgetfulness and inability to use our brain 100% only using 10%. This is our world, we thought as real.

About Arjuna:
http://joglosemar.freeservers.com/wyg_figur/arjuna.htm

Lemon Lemon

Oh Lemon, sour and yellow
Super-detox fellow
All pulps and juices
Fragrant thirst quencher
Nature's simple healer!

After buying 2 small organic lemons, I've been taking fresh organic lemon jui-ce for about a week, having squeeze a few drops into a glass of water accompanied by a thin slice, pouring plain boiled cooled water over it again as I almost finish. The remaining fruit after cut I kept in a zip-lock bag in fridge for tomorrow's use.


Then another day I squeeze more juices into a glass of honeyed water. After taking, Wow, my throat feels mmm... great! I say, scream, shout, yell and sing that this is no doubt my Favorite drink, its awesome


One evening after finishing the diluted lemony juice , I bite onto the slice of lemon with its skin into tiny pieces then spit out most of its 'remains' swallow the juices and next day my raw and 'open wounded' gum is almost healed and now its completely healed.

Today is the 8th day, I clear my bowels in the morning as normal. Then after lunch, clear again and I observe the stools it contains green stuffs like that of gallstones.

Anyway, I really felt light and very 'stomach comfortable'


Thanks to this juicy yellow-fellow!