An open heart with open wounds...
Isn't it Love that heals?
How can healing takes place if a heart closes?
How about a wounded heart that opens for Love
that is raw and sensitive to the very core?
Is this process healing and comforting or
damaging, hurting, destroying?
What can heal can hurt
Fire can give light and life
yet burns and destroys
That's the seduction of Life
The seductress is both the seduced and the seducer
The fly that heads toward the Light, so seduced by it
plunge into the fire to be destroyed by it and
gets liberated through it
The Lover is also the Beloved
The giver is also the the Gift
Love is God and God is the Gift
But where is this Gift?
J could be my Gift.
J is my mirror counterpart. My love for her
is unceasing. I start to learn to love her without
a sense of dread, without the emotional
pendulum swinging to the opposite
side of hate. My acceptance of her has increased.
However, I don't know how to deal with
her for she's badly wounded.
At times, she's so guarded with her heart
that I can feel her uneasiness.
Just look into her eyes and you'll see the weariness
on the paths she has tread upon.
If you asked her how she's feeling,
she'll always reply: "Good, in fact better than before,
for I've learned so much more" But, the truth is not so.
She's looking very hard into herself,
inquiring the different aspects of her life,
reviewing what has past, and checking on the present.
Her 12yrs relationship with her partner has ended for good
and she's greatly relieved. But the damage done to her heart
is not yet over, for it has not healed. How long does healing takes?
No one can determine that. It's not exactly like giving birth
that an estimation of 9 months pregnancy can be measured in time.
J confides that she's got mixed feelings about many things
that her rational mind just can't understand and
yes I agree I don't. She asks how long do others usually
take to get over the hard-feelings. I check that some
in a year relationship took a year to get over it.
So she asks me what's the hurry? Isn't it too soon,
too fast to open her heart to enter a new relationship?
She says she felt pressurized by the urgency of getting
things in the order of the rational and by rigid measures
of proportions of the 'shoulds'.
She wants to rest her heart so very badly.
She wants it healed more than I and anyone else does.
She knew she had gained some strength from the hope
that her new boyfriend or lover gave her or... maybe not,
maybe its just pure fantasy. For he is not so new.
After all, he's someone she knew for some time.
But being in this partnered dance with him was agreeably new.
I wish she could just live with hope and trust,
having full-faith that life will blossom like lotuses and jasmines.
Let go and let its healing beautiful fragrance rejuvenates.
Like rainbows after every storm. That's hopeful.
But hope soon turned to dust.
Her heart is restless, and she is listless.
Is it not now the time to give and fall in love again
with heart wide open?
Open further and beyond the pain
is where the Void is?
Where unconditional Love can be found?
Or is it the time for incubation? Rest and retreat
from outside stimulus?
Courage is so required to move on and not turn away
from what life may brings. It's a daunting task for her
Now and she has to be reminded of God always,
for God gave her strength and refuge.
But her physical tiredness has taken the toil.
She feels like a fallen angel, losing her powers and strengths,
walking in the dark with flickering candlelight.
She feels like God is playing hide and seek with her,
and this time lost her balance through God's 'lila' (play).
So many sleepless nights I accompanied her.
After every 'highs' from her charming lover she dive
into the 'lows'. She enjoy being with her lover very much
doing anything and whatever together. Experience losing
herself in it, in him.
That intimacy, that bonding and joy
of closeness, that she may give of herself and then expects
his unfailing love, which may or may not be reciprocated
and by her measure and dictation,
feared that he may fail her heart.
It's mental torture for me to face all her probing questions
over and again: Could it be pre-mature to get into a
new-relationship that so pained after and over again.
Is it too immediate? What's the hurry?
Why did I not feel love received? ....
Would he fail me? or I fail him?... What am I doing？...
So much love is needed to heal a wound.
How about deep wounds?
I guess some others may not understand
what's she going through.
Just like one who never tasted spicy hot chili
will never know what its like.
I have no doubt that she will heal
No doubt that one day rainbow will be hers...or
maybe she's that rainbow'ed'
that she's found her way to a healed- opened- rainbowed heart.
J, my beautiful mirror counter-part,
My Beloved,
To J with unconditional love
