Choosing Joy

Joy and happiness is a choice

Everyday we are faced with many choices. 
We are spoilt for choice.
Choices allows freedom that confuses us further, 
or offers us clarity focusing toward a single goal.

We can squander our time and money in idle 
and trivials or place it where it brings us Joy 
that touches the core of our hearts. 
Where we place our energies, 
become our experiences and who we are.

We can choose to place them where 
our hearts sing joyously to the rhythm of the universe.
Or where we find simple and meaningful existence
Or towards a Vision that leaves a legacy
Or nurturing our body, mind and spirit 
as an individual or a whole community

Would that bring Joy in our lives?

So have you chosen Joy?
Or are you that Joy?
Or are you finding Joy?
Or are you channeling joy? Expressing Joy?

When did you last laugh until your sides ached?
Do you dare to lose control and let the joy carry you?

"Can you be with joy, mine or your own,
if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us
to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of human being?"

Have I chosen Joy?

Joy can be as simple as

The breath of fresh air
Cool water on a hot day
Warmth of fire on a cold night
The sweat after a workout

Sweet taste of mango
The smell of crisp morning air, 
and dew under the feet in a garden
The color of sunset

The touch of a lover
The warmth of two mouths hungrily 
reaching for each other,
merging together as one

Joy can be as deep as
The mystical and ecstatic experience of the Divine, 
that swirls, vibrates, pulses from within
The consciousness of belonging to something larger than life
The feeling of inter-connectedness with the Whole, 
nature and spirit Of Oneness

"Why is it often hard for us to choose joy, 
even in moments when there are no painful 
circumstances in our lives?"

Maybe, we simply do not know how.
We may think that things are "not good enough"

Joy can be a hopeful feeling, of what is in the future.
But what if it's not what it seemed to be?

Being jaded in the past, disappointment is set 
in an effort to guard and prevent the rude awakening 
of unanticipated letdown, of letting loosely to Joy. 
In a way, to feel in control.

So the door for Joy chooses to close.
And so is the door of Life.

Can Joy be experienced without going through Pain?
Can Joy be centered and  not polarized with the duality of Pain?

"Will there comes a time that the bud of 
a flower by remaining close
is more painful than opening it's petals?" 

Can the process of flowering be forced upon?
Flower comes from the word 'flow' and 'er'.
It's a process that is flowing, or flowering.

I wonder if the plant ever feels pain 
in the flowering process?
It's just like giving birth. The process of delivery.
Going through the labor pain, 
then comes the Joy of new life.

And here, we've devise methods 
not to feel the pain.
Anesthetize and numbing our senses 
so we can go on creating life.

And have we also devise not to feel 
directly by intellectual reasoning
and logical denial so we can be lighter 
and therefore up-lifted?

"Aren't feelings buried alive never dies? "
Or carry on to the next cycle of 're-birth' ?

I was grieving over something that happened in my life.
People around encourage me to come out 
of it and enJoy life.
And discourage the process of grieving.

The process of grieving, I realized, 
went through few different stages
from denial, guilt to anger.

I was influenced by people around, 
being open and vulnerable,
I loses my center and stance on my feet.
Where is my boundary? Where's my back-bone?



"Can you sit with Pain, mine or your own, 
without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it?"

Many people felt uneasy and unbearable to 
witness and sit with someone in Pain,
because they cannot not be touched by their own Pain,
and feeling responsible for alleviating the pain
.

My still small weak voice within calling out to nurture,
healing all past wound and injury that gathered suddenly,
like a rushing force surfacing, 
where there can be no holding back, only surrendering.



It was pre-mature opening up to enJoy, 
and the re-bound was a hard one for me to take.
There was no running away. 
I've to face each emotion squarely as it comes up.

Each part of me takes its turn to come to terms,
retrieving parts of myself that I leave behind,
so there can be a harmonious symphony.

"A wound not fully felt consumes from the inside.
There was no way out but through."

It wasn't easy for me, for I do not know what to expect next.
Although many people around went through different 
yet similar experiences.

I realized that whether grieving or going through a failure,
it's a very individual experience,
that people do not react or feel the same way,
even though the processes are similar.

We are not so different after all.
Yet, we cannot judge the experience.

When the wimpy me whine 
like a child's throwing tantrum,
I think I was on cosmic playground, on the see-saw.
(like what I was told! Yet, it's my way of
 pressing for more solid Love)

I've to apologize to my dear loved one
for putting up with this Mad Clown of age 3; 
less the other numeric behind it.

For me, this whole process is like a 
birthing experience of another kind.
Going through my labor pain of drastic waves 
of emotions of that realization
Of self-denial, self-sabotage, non-acceptance, self-betrayal
Of self-blame and curse

The pain of feeling my own lack of faith and trust,
lack of stability and commitment

In this pain, something inside me is born,
and there is no turning back.

"If we are strong enough to be weak enough,
we are given a wound that never heals.
It is the gift that keeps the heart Open."
Something within me
Never have been known to me,
waiting to flower, waiting to fragrant the soul,
and color it's Light

The gift and birth of a new Joy

Inner Dance in Town and Country Magazine, Philippine Edition (August Issue)

Inner Dance in Town and Country Magazine, Philippine Edition (August Issue)

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Inner Dance; The Experience of The inner dancer, The initiation

From the every 1st inner dance experience till today, it has been an amazing process for me. I'm really grateful for it all.

I came to the first Inner Dance in this year March 15, when I was facing some challenges, coping with what had happened in my life. The energy of the Inner Dance that I experienced is Pure Love, so strong yet so gentle, which melts away all resistance and releases negative emotions and tensions that are stored in my being and created a sacred space within me.

On the other hand, it had opened up my sensitivity, which had also presented as a challenge too. I was so opened and sensitive that I was fearful of the energies around me. I began slowly learning to balance the inner experience with life on the outside. It wasn't easy though as I began. It's like learning a new skill.

That which is call 'dance' didn't even feel or look like one in the beginning. I was jerking clumsily and my arms were stiff and didn't move at all. When they moved the next day after my 1st Inner Dance experiential workshop, the movements are somewhat jerky and uncontrollably wild.

Pi's partner Daniw, shared with me her own experiences and taught me to communicate with the energy, telling it to be gentle to me. I tried a few times but couldn't get it, although slowly it became gentler. Since then, I thought about her words- communicating with the energy, but how? I don't know so I 'Keep-In-View' in this moment.

When Pi, the founder of Inner Dance, went back to Philippines, the group of Inner Dancers meet regularly for practice and I joined them. I also practice it on my own, on and off, at home, while traveling, any time of day and night when I can feel the energy.

When Pi came to Singapore again in May, I went for his workshop. That time, I felt even more attuned to the Inner Dance's energy and it helped me to better integrate with it, and again I felt Pi's presence is like a power house, sending out healing energy in waves.

Weeks ago, I attended one musical performance from Temple of Fine Arts called Damaru. Many different types of drums and musical instruments were used. During certain parts of the performance, I again had emotional released, and was crying in the theater. It felt like a past-life thing which I don't understand consciously. Throughout the 3 hrs performance, I was dancing in my seat and the Indian man next to me thought I was a dancer. Then I explained to him about Inner Dance.

Now in Sept, Pi is in Singapore. I went to the group session 4 days ago and again I experienced emotional released and alignment of my body, the inner understanding that Inner Dance is also a soul language through the body.

In that session, as again, a lot of energy was flowing through me, so warm, I felt like releasing the tension in my spine. So I just went into the Yoga Pose call the Wheel, which I had avoided for a long time as doctor told me to after I had a minor accident. But I felt my body needed it, and was re-aligned after that.

There were moments that my logic-mind interfered and I couldn't relax. When I ask myself to relax and just watch, I had a taste of what the body is conveying through the movements; a message that either connects with an emotion or an image in my mind and felt like communication going on. I heard within me saying 'Soul Language' .

Yet, I was resisting going too deep into my being. I didn't want a catharsis, which I had a major one the 1st time. I didn't want to be a crying baby for I cried too much already, and refuse to face the breaking moments again. I resisted healing and opened my eyes. The moment I stared up the ceiling, unexpectedly, I broke down and cry.

In the process, I was crying for forgiveness. Support and help was given to me while the release in me was going on. For a while I was weeping, Catherine came to me with her hands on as she begins her light language, but I didn't know who was that at first, for a few others like Daniw came and help me on different occasions.

And a strange feeling arose within me as I heard her speak. It was as if I understood her language and accepted her message which sounded like an Angel's consolation and advice to me. After that session, I felt blank again, like usual, and somewhat dumbfounded when it's time for sharing, though I had much to share. Words runs through my head yet nothing comes out from my mouth.

2 days later after that session, I had a realization.

The mistakes I made, the sinner I felt I was, trails of sins I felt carried from past-lives has weighed on me. I have been going through self-condemnation, self-punishment, self-sabotage.

As usual, I was applying essential oils. While I was saying some releasing statements of forgiveness, I came into a meditative state.

I heard within me saying that the mistakes I have made is for me to learn to be on the right path. Not exactly the usual judgmental of morally right and wrong which sets myself up going to the courtroom in my mind every time, but the right path that leads me to my divine self.

I learn spirituality from spiritual teachers, from books, from others' spiritual experience, but it's always so different when the learning happens from within. It's so simple yet so empowering.

From teachers, I was taught to embrace our shadows.
I read that Satan Lucifer is the bringer of Light , but why?

I was taught to reach down into my shadows to reveal my light, but how?

I read from esoteric teachings that: "Hush! it is a great secret, but his name is Yeheswah, and he is the Saviour of the World. Hush, tell nobody ever, that is Satan, and he is the Saviour of the World." Why?

My long term questions have been answered, as I sat;

The shadow is necessary to be there.
In the world of duality, and polarity in nature,
Light cast upon an object and created shadow
The shadow points to the direction of the light.
The mistakes made points to the right path to be taken

I realized I've been in the shadow and trying to run away every time when it's too deep down, too dark. I couldn't bear to stay long enough, that I wasn't able to switch to the light or transmute the dark feelings and thoughts.

And I saw that this 'pain' body- feels the pain;
the personality- drama; and the shadow self- darkness;
all is apart from the pure untainted divine self.

Then my logic mind starts to pray for help to be always connected to divine.
But within me says stop, for its not help that I pray for as the connection is always there.
It's an illusion to perceive that I'm disconnected.

I also realize I had prayed from a place of neediness, of lack, of victim-consciousness, not so much from divine power and understanding. So I learn this time on another level not just from books, It's an affirmative prayer of divine connection.

And that divine is contained within me,
and me in the divine.

As I affirm the divinity within, my arms began to move with the affirmations,
translating the words into movements; inner-dancing,
and it felt like a communication is going on within my different levels.

For once, I had a touch or a taste of I-am-ness. And now I remembered.
Pi was sharing many things about alchemy, transmuting and grounding, and one of them is to ground in the I-am-ness, I am That, I am Divine.


Yesterday, 15 Sept, exactly 6 months from the first Inner Dance session, I had a personal Inner Dance healing session with Pi and Daniw. I had another beautiful experience.

Pi told me its a different approach call Bars, that there will be more feeling of the energy running through, not so much of dancing. I was made to lie down and immediately I felt very strong energy pulsating throughout my whole body as I kept still. So strong yet so comfortable, feels like a spa bath.

As Daniw worked on my head, my arms moved in concerto. I felt the energy are like codes downloading and unlocking my body, while my body decoding it.
The involuntary movements are just as strong as my first Inner Dance experience yet my movements are more intricate this time, and I felt lighter than before. I was tearing as I felt the releasing of tension.

I felt I was in the shady woodlands, surrounded by trees, plants and river flowing nearby. I felt I saw Daniw as a fairy angel with translucent wings, her hands on my head and Pi like a fairy elf of some kind dancing, walking around.

While the energy moved my head and feet, I felt my whole body is coming into a flow of harmony. Toward the end of the session, I was made to sit up. And again the energy so strong yet ever so gentle supported me lovingly in the process.

It was then I had an realization, that I have been living so much of my time in fears. And I felt the understanding that my body is a tool for the divine self to work through it. My arms were dancing this message while tears streamed down my cheeks. There was a sense of reverence and surrender- surrender may not be the right word but close to it, till I find the right word I'll put it as that.

I felt this time was really an initiation for me.
The very first Inner Dance experience that follows was a test prior to this initiation.
This whole experience have been very sacred for me.
And this is only the beginning!

I wanted to thank Pi and Daniw for coming back, and I thank God for them.

Veil of Light

The Great Mother Divine Feminine, Isis The Goddess is Veiled. For so many reasons that she's veiled, one of them is that it protects against the the shock of the Great mystery.

"For her secret is only accessible to people who have become mature through mystical contemplation or other exercises. That whoever penetrates without permission becomes an animal"

Her veil of light conceals her secret and denies a glimpse of her to everyone who is not worthy of this initiation. Her veil conceals the Great Mystery which remains eternally sealed to the exploring, penetrating, and perceiving consciousness (masculine), and the truth of which can only be revealed through a mystic display of grace.


The following is a sentence read at the foot of Isis statue in Sais:
" I am that everything that was, that is, that will ever be. No mortal will ever be able to discover what that lies beneath my veil"

In thoth tarot card Priestess, she is the Eternal Virgin who is pure;

She is clothed only in luminous veil of light
It is important for high initiation to regard Light not as the perfect
manifestation of the Eternal Spirit,
but rather as the veil which hides the spirit

Thus she is light and the body of light.
She is truth behind the veil of light
She is the soul of light
She is the idea behind all form...

-Aleister Crowley

Open-wounded Lover's Gift

 An open heart with open wounds...
Isn't it Love that heals?
How can healing takes place if a heart closes?

How about a wounded heart that opens for Love 
that is raw and sensitive to the very core?
Is this process healing and comforting or 
damaging, hurting, destroying?

What can heal can hurt
Fire can give light and life
yet burns and destroys

That's the seduction of Life
The seductress is both the seduced and the seducer
The fly that heads toward the Light, so seduced by it
plunge into the fire to be destroyed by it and
 gets liberated through it

The Lover is also the Beloved
The giver is also the the Gift
Love is God and God is the Gift
But where is this Gift?

J could be my Gift.

J is my mirror counterpart. My love for her 
is unceasing. I start to learn to love her without
 a sense of dread, without the emotional 
pendulum swinging to the opposite 
side of hate. My acceptance of her has increased. 
However, I don't know how to deal with 
her for she's badly wounded.

At times, she's so guarded with her heart
 that I can feel her uneasiness. 
Just look into her eyes and you'll see the weariness 
on the paths she has tread upon. 
If you asked her how she's feeling, 
she'll always reply: "Good, in fact better than before, 
for I've learned so much more" But, the truth is not so.


She's looking very hard into herself, 
inquiring the different aspects of her life, 
reviewing what has past, and checking on the present.

Her 12yrs relationship with her partner has ended for good
 and she's greatly relieved. But the damage done to her heart
 is not yet over, for it has not healed. How long does healing takes? 
No one can determine that. It's not exactly like giving birth
 that an estimation of 9 months pregnancy can be measured in time.

J confides that she's got mixed feelings about many things
that her rational mind just can't understand and 
yes I agree I don't. She asks how long do others usually
 take to get over the hard-feelings. I check that some 
in a year relationship took a year to get over it. 


So she asks me what's the hurry? Isn't it too soon, 
too fast to open her heart to enter a new relationship? 
She says she felt pressurized by the urgency of getting 
things in the order of the rational and by rigid measures 
of proportions of the 'shoulds'.

She wants to rest her heart so very badly. 
She wants it healed more than I and anyone else does.
 She knew she had gained some strength from the hope
 that her new boyfriend or lover gave her or... maybe not, 
maybe its just pure fantasy. For he is not so new. 


After all, he's someone she knew for some time. 
But being in this partnered dance with him was agreeably new. 
 I wish she could just live with hope and trust, 
having full-faith that life will blossom like lotuses and jasmines. 
Let go and let its healing beautiful fragrance rejuvenates. 
Like rainbows after every storm. That's hopeful.

But hope soon turned to dust. 
Her heart is restless, and she is listless.
Is it not now the time to give and fall in love again 
with heart wide open? 


Open further and beyond the pain 
is where the Void is? 
Where unconditional Love can be found?
Or is it the time for incubation? Rest and retreat 
from outside stimulus?

Courage is so required to move on and not turn away 
from what life may brings. It's a daunting task for her 
Now and she has to be reminded of God always, 
for God gave her strength and refuge. 
But her physical tiredness has taken the toil.

She feels like a fallen angel, losing her powers and strengths, 
walking in the dark with flickering candlelight. 
She feels like God is playing hide and seek with her, 
and this time lost her balance through God's 'lila' (play).

So many sleepless nights I accompanied her. 
After every 'highs' from her charming lover she dive 
into the 'lows'. She enjoy being with her lover very much
doing anything and whatever together. Experience losing 
herself in it, in him. 


That intimacy, that bonding and joy 
of closeness, that she may give of herself and then expects 
his unfailing love, which may or may not be reciprocated 
and by her measure and dictation, 
feared that he may fail her heart.

It's mental torture for me to face all her probing questions
 over and again: Could it be pre-mature to get into a 
new-relationship that so pained after and over again. 
Is it too immediate? What's the hurry? 
Why did I not feel love received? ....
Would he fail me? or I fail him?... What am I doing？...

So much love is needed to heal a wound.
How about deep wounds?
I guess some others may not understand 
what's she going through.
Just like one who never tasted spicy hot chili 
will never know what its like.

I have no doubt that she will heal
No doubt that one day rainbow will be hers...or
maybe she's that rainbow'ed'
that she's found her way to a healed- opened- rainbowed heart.

J, my beautiful mirror counter-part,
My Beloved,

To J with unconditional love

I thank Life

I thank life for the mystery it brings
the unknown in our paths
excitement and enthusiasm
of what's coming up next

I thank life for difficult and challenging obstacles
thereby inspiring the creativity in me
By overcoming them
leading me to new directions and amazing possibilities
Seeing light and shadows
my talents, strengths and weaknesses
Seeing my true true self

I thank life for each stormy weather pained in grief
Cleansing the earth and air with it's releasing power
Brings with it a gift of renewal
Like a smiling rainbow that ease the heart
Rejoices in playful-colored dancing lights

I thank life for fire of Passive Passion
Bright and hot yet does not burn
Rushes through my blood in red hot fashion
Beating on the heat of my heart

Becoming A-live
Pulsating through my life
Through my very being
flowing from my heart to my soul

I thank life
for uncovering God
I thank God for discovering life

May God fill me with life
May my life be filled with God

Live like You're Dying

"When it's over I want to say: all my life i was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms. - MARY OLIVER

Death

In its grandeur, she's the Goddess of Light
cloak in darkness

If You chose her as your constant companion,
You'll love her like none other
For she brings fearlessness and purposefulness,
a touch of authenticity to your life.

She has, chosen You, as her companion
right from the beginning of your birth

She loves you, irregardless of your ignorance,
gender, color,creed, caste, status and religion.
And I love her.
I revel in her. 
I stand before Her in prostration.
She is my religion.
She purifies. She vivifies.
She brings the whole world
to her feet in humbleness.

She brings with Her the greatest Gift of Life
against all other expectations.
Receive her gift with complete acceptance,
And She bestows your Life with radiant wonder

Death is her name
Yet she teaches me to fall in Love with Life
Acquaint with Her at all times,
and life becomes a Miracle.

She teaches me many times about Life,
to open beyond all openness
To connect beyond all connections,
and to love with absolute abandon

I could dive into her arms and let my breathe be the last
But I heard Her uproarious laughter as she enters parts of me
She takes on many guises and comes in many ways
For her loyal friend 'Fear' is always by Her side.

To open to Her to receive her wondrous gift,
we must be willing to be opened to her dearest friend, Fear
Welcome Her, Embrace Her, Rejoice in Her

Death ...
in waking moments.
Each breathe brings Her closer
Each night, in peace She speaks
Listen...
to Her solemn silence
Death