Inner Dance in Town and Country Magazine, Philippine Edition (August Issue)
Shared via AddThis
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Inner Dance; The Experience of The inner dancer, The initiation
From the every 1st inner dance experience till today, it has been an amazing process for me. I'm really grateful for it all.
I came to the first Inner Dance in this year March 15, when I was facing some challenges, coping with what had happened in my life. The energy of the Inner Dance that I experienced is Pure Love, so strong yet so gentle, which melts away all resistance and releases negative emotions and tensions that are stored in my being and created a sacred space within me.
On the other hand, it had opened up my sensitivity, which had also presented as a challenge too. I was so opened and sensitive that I was fearful of the energies around me. I began slowly learning to balance the inner experience with life on the outside. It wasn't easy though as I began. It's like learning a new skill.
That which is call 'dance' didn't even feel or look like one in the beginning. I was jerking clumsily and my arms were stiff and didn't move at all. When they moved the next day after my 1st Inner Dance experiential workshop, the movements are somewhat jerky and uncontrollably wild.
Pi's partner Daniw, shared with me her own experiences and taught me to communicate with the energy, telling it to be gentle to me. I tried a few times but couldn't get it, although slowly it became gentler. Since then, I thought about her words- communicating with the energy, but how? I don't know so I 'Keep-In-View' in this moment.
When Pi, the founder of Inner Dance, went back to Philippines, the group of Inner Dancers meet regularly for practice and I joined them. I also practice it on my own, on and off, at home, while traveling, any time of day and night when I can feel the energy.
When Pi came to Singapore again in May, I went for his workshop. That time, I felt even more attuned to the Inner Dance's energy and it helped me to better integrate with it, and again I felt Pi's presence is like a power house, sending out healing energy in waves.
Weeks ago, I attended one musical performance from Temple of Fine Arts called Damaru. Many different types of drums and musical instruments were used. During certain parts of the performance, I again had emotional released, and was crying in the theater. It felt like a past-life thing which I don't understand consciously. Throughout the 3 hrs performance, I was dancing in my seat and the Indian man next to me thought I was a dancer. Then I explained to him about Inner Dance.
Now in Sept, Pi is in Singapore. I went to the group session 4 days ago and again I experienced emotional released and alignment of my body, the inner understanding that Inner Dance is also a soul language through the body.
In that session, as again, a lot of energy was flowing through me, so warm, I felt like releasing the tension in my spine. So I just went into the Yoga Pose call the Wheel, which I had avoided for a long time as doctor told me to after I had a minor accident. But I felt my body needed it, and was re-aligned after that.
There were moments that my logic-mind interfered and I couldn't relax. When I ask myself to relax and just watch, I had a taste of what the body is conveying through the movements; a message that either connects with an emotion or an image in my mind and felt like communication going on. I heard within me saying 'Soul Language' .
Yet, I was resisting going too deep into my being. I didn't want a catharsis, which I had a major one the 1st time. I didn't want to be a crying baby for I cried too much already, and refuse to face the breaking moments again. I resisted healing and opened my eyes. The moment I stared up the ceiling, unexpectedly, I broke down and cry.
In the process, I was crying for forgiveness. Support and help was given to me while the release in me was going on. For a while I was weeping, Catherine came to me with her hands on as she begins her light language, but I didn't know who was that at first, for a few others like Daniw came and help me on different occasions.
And a strange feeling arose within me as I heard her speak. It was as if I understood her language and accepted her message which sounded like an Angel's consolation and advice to me. After that session, I felt blank again, like usual, and somewhat dumbfounded when it's time for sharing, though I had much to share. Words runs through my head yet nothing comes out from my mouth.
2 days later after that session, I had a realization.
The mistakes I made, the sinner I felt I was, trails of sins I felt carried from past-lives has weighed on me. I have been going through self-condemnation, self-punishment, self-sabotage.
As usual, I was applying essential oils. While I was saying some releasing statements of forgiveness, I came into a meditative state.
I heard within me saying that the mistakes I have made is for me to learn to be on the right path. Not exactly the usual judgmental of morally right and wrong which sets myself up going to the courtroom in my mind every time, but the right path that leads me to my divine self.
I learn spirituality from spiritual teachers, from books, from others' spiritual experience, but it's always so different when the learning happens from within. It's so simple yet so empowering.
From teachers, I was taught to embrace our shadows.
I read that Satan Lucifer is the bringer of Light , but why?
I was taught to reach down into my shadows to reveal my light, but how?
I read from esoteric teachings that: "Hush! it is a great secret, but his name is Yeheswah, and he is the Saviour of the World. Hush, tell nobody ever, that is Satan, and he is the Saviour of the World." Why?
My long term questions have been answered, as I sat;
The shadow is necessary to be there.
In the world of duality, and polarity in nature,
Light cast upon an object and created shadow
The shadow points to the direction of the light.
The mistakes made points to the right path to be taken
I realized I've been in the shadow and trying to run away every time when it's too deep down, too dark. I couldn't bear to stay long enough, that I wasn't able to switch to the light or transmute the dark feelings and thoughts.
And I saw that this 'pain' body- feels the pain;
the personality- drama; and the shadow self- darkness;
all is apart from the pure untainted divine self.
Then my logic mind starts to pray for help to be always connected to divine.
But within me says stop, for its not help that I pray for as the connection is always there.
It's an illusion to perceive that I'm disconnected.
I also realize I had prayed from a place of neediness, of lack, of victim-consciousness, not so much from divine power and understanding. So I learn this time on another level not just from books, It's an affirmative prayer of divine connection.
And that divine is contained within me,
and me in the divine.
As I affirm the divinity within, my arms began to move with the affirmations,
translating the words into movements; inner-dancing,
and it felt like a communication is going on within my different levels.
For once, I had a touch or a taste of I-am-ness. And now I remembered.
Pi was sharing many things about alchemy, transmuting and grounding, and one of them is to ground in the I-am-ness, I am That, I am Divine.
Yesterday, 15 Sept, exactly 6 months from the first Inner Dance session, I had a personal Inner Dance healing session with Pi and Daniw. I had another beautiful experience.
Pi told me its a different approach call Bars, that there will be more feeling of the energy running through, not so much of dancing. I was made to lie down and immediately I felt very strong energy pulsating throughout my whole body as I kept still. So strong yet so comfortable, feels like a spa bath.
As Daniw worked on my head, my arms moved in concerto. I felt the energy are like codes downloading and unlocking my body, while my body decoding it.
The involuntary movements are just as strong as my first Inner Dance experience yet my movements are more intricate this time, and I felt lighter than before. I was tearing as I felt the releasing of tension.
I felt I was in the shady woodlands, surrounded by trees, plants and river flowing nearby. I felt I saw Daniw as a fairy angel with translucent wings, her hands on my head and Pi like a fairy elf of some kind dancing, walking around.
While the energy moved my head and feet, I felt my whole body is coming into a flow of harmony. Toward the end of the session, I was made to sit up. And again the energy so strong yet ever so gentle supported me lovingly in the process.
It was then I had an realization, that I have been living so much of my time in fears. And I felt the understanding that my body is a tool for the divine self to work through it. My arms were dancing this message while tears streamed down my cheeks. There was a sense of reverence and surrender- surrender may not be the right word but close to it, till I find the right word I'll put it as that.
I felt this time was really an initiation for me.
The very first Inner Dance experience that follows was a test prior to this initiation.
This whole experience have been very sacred for me.
And this is only the beginning!
I wanted to thank Pi and Daniw for coming back, and I thank God for them.
I came to the first Inner Dance in this year March 15, when I was facing some challenges, coping with what had happened in my life. The energy of the Inner Dance that I experienced is Pure Love, so strong yet so gentle, which melts away all resistance and releases negative emotions and tensions that are stored in my being and created a sacred space within me.
On the other hand, it had opened up my sensitivity, which had also presented as a challenge too. I was so opened and sensitive that I was fearful of the energies around me. I began slowly learning to balance the inner experience with life on the outside. It wasn't easy though as I began. It's like learning a new skill.
That which is call 'dance' didn't even feel or look like one in the beginning. I was jerking clumsily and my arms were stiff and didn't move at all. When they moved the next day after my 1st Inner Dance experiential workshop, the movements are somewhat jerky and uncontrollably wild.
Pi's partner Daniw, shared with me her own experiences and taught me to communicate with the energy, telling it to be gentle to me. I tried a few times but couldn't get it, although slowly it became gentler. Since then, I thought about her words- communicating with the energy, but how? I don't know so I 'Keep-In-View' in this moment.
When Pi, the founder of Inner Dance, went back to Philippines, the group of Inner Dancers meet regularly for practice and I joined them. I also practice it on my own, on and off, at home, while traveling, any time of day and night when I can feel the energy.
When Pi came to Singapore again in May, I went for his workshop. That time, I felt even more attuned to the Inner Dance's energy and it helped me to better integrate with it, and again I felt Pi's presence is like a power house, sending out healing energy in waves.
Weeks ago, I attended one musical performance from Temple of Fine Arts called Damaru. Many different types of drums and musical instruments were used. During certain parts of the performance, I again had emotional released, and was crying in the theater. It felt like a past-life thing which I don't understand consciously. Throughout the 3 hrs performance, I was dancing in my seat and the Indian man next to me thought I was a dancer. Then I explained to him about Inner Dance.
Now in Sept, Pi is in Singapore. I went to the group session 4 days ago and again I experienced emotional released and alignment of my body, the inner understanding that Inner Dance is also a soul language through the body.
In that session, as again, a lot of energy was flowing through me, so warm, I felt like releasing the tension in my spine. So I just went into the Yoga Pose call the Wheel, which I had avoided for a long time as doctor told me to after I had a minor accident. But I felt my body needed it, and was re-aligned after that.
There were moments that my logic-mind interfered and I couldn't relax. When I ask myself to relax and just watch, I had a taste of what the body is conveying through the movements; a message that either connects with an emotion or an image in my mind and felt like communication going on. I heard within me saying 'Soul Language' .
Yet, I was resisting going too deep into my being. I didn't want a catharsis, which I had a major one the 1st time. I didn't want to be a crying baby for I cried too much already, and refuse to face the breaking moments again. I resisted healing and opened my eyes. The moment I stared up the ceiling, unexpectedly, I broke down and cry.
In the process, I was crying for forgiveness. Support and help was given to me while the release in me was going on. For a while I was weeping, Catherine came to me with her hands on as she begins her light language, but I didn't know who was that at first, for a few others like Daniw came and help me on different occasions.
And a strange feeling arose within me as I heard her speak. It was as if I understood her language and accepted her message which sounded like an Angel's consolation and advice to me. After that session, I felt blank again, like usual, and somewhat dumbfounded when it's time for sharing, though I had much to share. Words runs through my head yet nothing comes out from my mouth.
2 days later after that session, I had a realization.
The mistakes I made, the sinner I felt I was, trails of sins I felt carried from past-lives has weighed on me. I have been going through self-condemnation, self-punishment, self-sabotage.
As usual, I was applying essential oils. While I was saying some releasing statements of forgiveness, I came into a meditative state.
I heard within me saying that the mistakes I have made is for me to learn to be on the right path. Not exactly the usual judgmental of morally right and wrong which sets myself up going to the courtroom in my mind every time, but the right path that leads me to my divine self.
I learn spirituality from spiritual teachers, from books, from others' spiritual experience, but it's always so different when the learning happens from within. It's so simple yet so empowering.
From teachers, I was taught to embrace our shadows.
I read that Satan Lucifer is the bringer of Light , but why?
I was taught to reach down into my shadows to reveal my light, but how?
I read from esoteric teachings that: "Hush! it is a great secret, but his name is Yeheswah, and he is the Saviour of the World. Hush, tell nobody ever, that is Satan, and he is the Saviour of the World." Why?
My long term questions have been answered, as I sat;
The shadow is necessary to be there.
In the world of duality, and polarity in nature,
Light cast upon an object and created shadow
The shadow points to the direction of the light.
The mistakes made points to the right path to be taken
I realized I've been in the shadow and trying to run away every time when it's too deep down, too dark. I couldn't bear to stay long enough, that I wasn't able to switch to the light or transmute the dark feelings and thoughts.
And I saw that this 'pain' body- feels the pain;
the personality- drama; and the shadow self- darkness;
all is apart from the pure untainted divine self.
Then my logic mind starts to pray for help to be always connected to divine.
But within me says stop, for its not help that I pray for as the connection is always there.
It's an illusion to perceive that I'm disconnected.
I also realize I had prayed from a place of neediness, of lack, of victim-consciousness, not so much from divine power and understanding. So I learn this time on another level not just from books, It's an affirmative prayer of divine connection.
And that divine is contained within me,
and me in the divine.
As I affirm the divinity within, my arms began to move with the affirmations,
translating the words into movements; inner-dancing,
and it felt like a communication is going on within my different levels.
For once, I had a touch or a taste of I-am-ness. And now I remembered.
Pi was sharing many things about alchemy, transmuting and grounding, and one of them is to ground in the I-am-ness, I am That, I am Divine.
Yesterday, 15 Sept, exactly 6 months from the first Inner Dance session, I had a personal Inner Dance healing session with Pi and Daniw. I had another beautiful experience.
Pi told me its a different approach call Bars, that there will be more feeling of the energy running through, not so much of dancing. I was made to lie down and immediately I felt very strong energy pulsating throughout my whole body as I kept still. So strong yet so comfortable, feels like a spa bath.
As Daniw worked on my head, my arms moved in concerto. I felt the energy are like codes downloading and unlocking my body, while my body decoding it.
The involuntary movements are just as strong as my first Inner Dance experience yet my movements are more intricate this time, and I felt lighter than before. I was tearing as I felt the releasing of tension.
I felt I was in the shady woodlands, surrounded by trees, plants and river flowing nearby. I felt I saw Daniw as a fairy angel with translucent wings, her hands on my head and Pi like a fairy elf of some kind dancing, walking around.
While the energy moved my head and feet, I felt my whole body is coming into a flow of harmony. Toward the end of the session, I was made to sit up. And again the energy so strong yet ever so gentle supported me lovingly in the process.
It was then I had an realization, that I have been living so much of my time in fears. And I felt the understanding that my body is a tool for the divine self to work through it. My arms were dancing this message while tears streamed down my cheeks. There was a sense of reverence and surrender- surrender may not be the right word but close to it, till I find the right word I'll put it as that.
I felt this time was really an initiation for me.
The very first Inner Dance experience that follows was a test prior to this initiation.
This whole experience have been very sacred for me.
And this is only the beginning!
I wanted to thank Pi and Daniw for coming back, and I thank God for them.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Veil of Light
The Great Mother Divine Feminine, Isis The Goddess is Veiled. For so many reasons that she's veiled, one of them is that it protects against the the shock of the Great mystery.
"For her secret is only accessible to people who have become mature through mystical contemplation or other exercises. That whoever penetrates without permission becomes an animal"
Her veil of light conceals her secret and denies a glimpse of her to everyone who is not worthy of this initiation. Her veil conceals the Great Mystery which remains eternally sealed to the exploring, penetrating, and perceiving consciousness (masculine), and the truth of which can only be revealed through a mystic display of grace.
The following is a sentence read at the foot of Isis statue in Sais:
" I am that everything that was, that is, that will ever be. No mortal will ever be able to discover what that lies beneath my veil"
In thoth tarot card Priestess, she is the Eternal Virgin who is pure;
She is clothed only in luminous veil of light
It is important for high initiation to regard Light not as the perfect
manifestation of the Eternal Spirit,
but rather as the veil which hides the spirit
Thus she is light and the body of light.
She is truth behind the veil of light
She is the soul of light
She is the idea behind all form...
-Aleister Crowley
Monday, May 11, 2009
Open-wounded Lover's Gift
An open heart with open wounds...
Isn't it Love that heals?
How can healing takes place if a heart closes?
How about a wounded heart that opens for Love
that is raw and sensitive to the very core?
Is this process healing and comforting or
damaging, hurting, destroying?
What can heal can hurt
Fire can give light and life
yet burns and destroys
That's the seduction of Life
The seductress is both the seduced and the seducer
The fly that heads toward the Light, so seduced by it
plunge into the fire to be destroyed by it and
gets liberated through it
The Lover is also the Beloved
The giver is also the the Gift
Love is God and God is the Gift
But where is this Gift?
J could be my Gift.
J is my mirror counterpart. My love for her
is unceasing. I start to learn to love her without
a sense of dread, without the emotional
pendulum swinging to the opposite
side of hate. My acceptance of her has increased.
However, I don't know how to deal with
her for she's badly wounded.
At times, she's so guarded with her heart
that I can feel her uneasiness.
Just look into her eyes and you'll see the weariness
on the paths she has tread upon.
If you asked her how she's feeling,
she'll always reply: "Good, in fact better than before,
for I've learned so much more" But, the truth is not so.
She's looking very hard into herself,
inquiring the different aspects of her life,
reviewing what has past, and checking on the present.
Her 12yrs relationship with her partner has ended for good
and she's greatly relieved. But the damage done to her heart
is not yet over, for it has not healed. How long does healing takes?
No one can determine that. It's not exactly like giving birth
that an estimation of 9 months pregnancy can be measured in time.
J confides that she's got mixed feelings about many things
that her rational mind just can't understand and
yes I agree I don't. She asks how long do others usually
take to get over the hard-feelings. I check that some
in a year relationship took a year to get over it.
So she asks me what's the hurry? Isn't it too soon,
too fast to open her heart to enter a new relationship?
She says she felt pressurized by the urgency of getting
things in the order of the rational and by rigid measures
of proportions of the 'shoulds'.
She wants to rest her heart so very badly.
She wants it healed more than I and anyone else does.
She knew she had gained some strength from the hope
that her new boyfriend or lover gave her or... maybe not,
maybe its just pure fantasy. For he is not so new.
After all, he's someone she knew for some time.
But being in this partnered dance with him was agreeably new.
I wish she could just live with hope and trust,
having full-faith that life will blossom like lotuses and jasmines.
Let go and let its healing beautiful fragrance rejuvenates.
Like rainbows after every storm. That's hopeful.
But hope soon turned to dust.
Her heart is restless, and she is listless.
Is it not now the time to give and fall in love again
with heart wide open?
Open further and beyond the pain
is where the Void is?
Where unconditional Love can be found?
Or is it the time for incubation? Rest and retreat
from outside stimulus?
Courage is so required to move on and not turn away
from what life may brings. It's a daunting task for her
Now and she has to be reminded of God always,
for God gave her strength and refuge.
But her physical tiredness has taken the toil.
She feels like a fallen angel, losing her powers and strengths,
walking in the dark with flickering candlelight.
She feels like God is playing hide and seek with her,
and this time lost her balance through God's 'lila' (play).
So many sleepless nights I accompanied her.
After every 'highs' from her charming lover she dive
into the 'lows'. She enjoy being with her lover very much
doing anything and whatever together. Experience losing
herself in it, in him.
That intimacy, that bonding and joy
of closeness, that she may give of herself and then expects
his unfailing love, which may or may not be reciprocated
and by her measure and dictation,
feared that he may fail her heart.
It's mental torture for me to face all her probing questions
over and again: Could it be pre-mature to get into a
new-relationship that so pained after and over again.
Is it too immediate? What's the hurry?
Why did I not feel love received? ....
Would he fail me? or I fail him?... What am I doing？...
So much love is needed to heal a wound.
How about deep wounds?
I guess some others may not understand
what's she going through.
Just like one who never tasted spicy hot chili
will never know what its like.
I have no doubt that she will heal
No doubt that one day rainbow will be hers...or
maybe she's that rainbow'ed'
that she's found her way to a healed- opened- rainbowed heart.
J, my beautiful mirror counter-part,
My Beloved,
To J with unconditional love
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
I thank Life
I thank life for the mystery it brings
the unknown in our paths
excitement and enthusiasm
of what's coming up next
I thank life for difficult and challenging obstacles
thereby inspiring the creativity in me
By overcoming them
leading me to new directions and amazing possibilities
Seeing light and shadows
my talents, strengths and weaknesses
Seeing my true true self
I thank life for each stormy weather pained in grief
Cleansing the earth and air with it's releasing power
Brings with it a gift of renewal
Like a smiling rainbow that ease the heart
Rejoices in playful-colored dancing lights
I thank life for fire of Passive Passion
Bright and hot yet does not burn
Rushes through my blood in red hot fashion
Beating on the heat of my heart
Becoming A-live
Pulsating through my life
Through my very being
flowing from my heart to my soul
I thank life
for uncovering God
I thank God for discovering life
May God fill me with life
May my life be filled with God
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Live like You're Dying
"When it's over I want to say: all my life i was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms. - MARY OLIVER
Death
In its grandeur, she's the Goddess of Light
cloak in darkness
If You chose her as your constant companion,
You'll love her like none other
For she brings fearlessness and purposefulness,
a touch of authenticity to your life.
She has, chosen You, as her companion
right from the beginning of your birth
She loves you, irregardless of your ignorance,
gender, color,creed, caste, status and religion.
And I love her.
I revel in her.
I stand before Her in prostration.
She is my religion.
She purifies. She vivifies.
She brings the whole world
to her feet in humbleness.
She brings with Her the greatest Gift of Life
against all other expectations.
Receive her gift with complete acceptance,
And She bestows your Life with radiant wonder
Death is her name
Yet she teaches me to fall in Love with Life
Acquaint with Her at all times,
and life becomes a Miracle.
She teaches me many times about Life,
to open beyond all openness
To connect beyond all connections,
and to love with absolute abandon
I could dive into her arms and let my breathe be the last
But I heard Her uproarious laughter as she enters parts of me
She takes on many guises and comes in many ways
For her loyal friend 'Fear' is always by Her side.
To open to Her to receive her wondrous gift,
we must be willing to be opened to her dearest friend, Fear
Welcome Her, Embrace Her, Rejoice in Her
Death ...
in waking moments.
Each breathe brings Her closer
Each night, in peace She speaks
Listen...
to Her solemn silence
Death
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Present Life Regression
When I started crying in the inner dance experiential workshop, the 1st image came to me was during my childhood- about 2 or 3 years old. I saw I was reaching my hands out crying for mommy, but was ignored. My mom was there, however, she literally walked away after a while.
My nose was so jammed up with all the phlegm from the crying as the inner dance session started in lying down position, I could hardly breathe through my nostrils. So I sat up, clear my nose with some tissue paper and the healers continue to work on me.
While the facilitators / healers, Pi and Daniw touched certain points in my body, it triggered something unexplainable. Like pushing a button, unlocking what was beneath me. I felt waves of Pure unconditional Love gushing and flooding me, I broke down crying again. My logical mind was watching the whole process, taken aback and it heard the crying.
It sounds so... so sad! The logic mind even wonder whether am I disturbing other participants, and tries to lower the volume of my cries. Then scenes of the past- this present life time, came to me. From faces of people and sometimes just the emotions associated with the event or person came up and I was releasing all these stored emotions.
In fact, I was not moving much. The energy was running through me and I was jerking and vibrating. When Daniw worked on my hips, the intensity increases. It came a point that I was wailing real loudly, and that was when Daniw held me in her arms from behind.
She gently pushed me forward and... Wow! I forgot everything! I just had to let go and wail like nobody's business. My logic mind watched, and for a minute the mind was concern with the yucky mucous falling onto the mat, but then it has no time to think further for I was at the peak of my release.
These peak emotions was associated with my relationship with God. The yearning, the pain, the sweetness and all the miseries. Now as I looked back, I remembered what happened about one month ago before this inner dance comes into my life, I was crying and wailing for God in my room. I asked :'Where are U, God?' 'Are U really there?' 'U promise that with one-pointed devotion u will come, and when will that be?
Are U really in me, in this room, in animate and inanimate objects? Can U show me a sigh? i don't want to know U- God from another person or another book, I want direct experience with U. Or was I not worthy of U? Or I've not done enough? I guess I wasn't good enough, I must have done something bad, I'm sorry....blah blah.... The cries sounds very close to this catharsis in the inner dance.
Something had triggered it that day but I couldn't remember what. I guess that tension was build up for a period of time already while I was asking from time to time: God, where are you? It was to the point of madness that I broke down.
At the end of my inner dance experiential session, I burst into laughter when I was made to lie down. My crying switched to laughter. I can literally feel the energy coming out from my core, at the abdominal diaphragm area. It was so intense that I couldn't stop at all. I felt like it's going to go on, and that my esophagus and throat seems too narrow for it to let out.
As Daniw was coaxing my senses, calming me down at towards the end, she caressed me, humming to the light-hearted tune of :'Somewhere over the rainbows' - one of my favourite song. I felt so good and that she gave me something that I longed for sub-consciously. For in my memory, I couldn't remember if my mom ever did this to me. Slowly, I began to weep and cry again.
I felt so overwhelmed, my senses heightened and I was so taken aback by everything that had happened. It happened too fast. I very much needed space and time to process it slowly, like chewing my food so that I can receive its full nutrients.
I felt I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to go back to the Inner dance advance workshop either but I was so blank. I express it softly to my partner, and I thought that I didn't want to sound like I'm so troublesome so I just went ahead with him anyway.
Well, after the catharsis, there was so much challenges. This time the challenge is on all levels; physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.
Feeling real awful now, but I know its happening here for my highest good. I'll definitely have a good laugh after I past through all this...
...mmm... when will that be?
Ha ha! Ha ha ha!
My nose was so jammed up with all the phlegm from the crying as the inner dance session started in lying down position, I could hardly breathe through my nostrils. So I sat up, clear my nose with some tissue paper and the healers continue to work on me.
While the facilitators / healers, Pi and Daniw touched certain points in my body, it triggered something unexplainable. Like pushing a button, unlocking what was beneath me. I felt waves of Pure unconditional Love gushing and flooding me, I broke down crying again. My logical mind was watching the whole process, taken aback and it heard the crying.
It sounds so... so sad! The logic mind even wonder whether am I disturbing other participants, and tries to lower the volume of my cries. Then scenes of the past- this present life time, came to me. From faces of people and sometimes just the emotions associated with the event or person came up and I was releasing all these stored emotions.
In fact, I was not moving much. The energy was running through me and I was jerking and vibrating. When Daniw worked on my hips, the intensity increases. It came a point that I was wailing real loudly, and that was when Daniw held me in her arms from behind.
She gently pushed me forward and... Wow! I forgot everything! I just had to let go and wail like nobody's business. My logic mind watched, and for a minute the mind was concern with the yucky mucous falling onto the mat, but then it has no time to think further for I was at the peak of my release.
These peak emotions was associated with my relationship with God. The yearning, the pain, the sweetness and all the miseries. Now as I looked back, I remembered what happened about one month ago before this inner dance comes into my life, I was crying and wailing for God in my room. I asked :'Where are U, God?' 'Are U really there?' 'U promise that with one-pointed devotion u will come, and when will that be?
Are U really in me, in this room, in animate and inanimate objects? Can U show me a sigh? i don't want to know U- God from another person or another book, I want direct experience with U. Or was I not worthy of U? Or I've not done enough? I guess I wasn't good enough, I must have done something bad, I'm sorry....blah blah.... The cries sounds very close to this catharsis in the inner dance.
Something had triggered it that day but I couldn't remember what. I guess that tension was build up for a period of time already while I was asking from time to time: God, where are you? It was to the point of madness that I broke down.
At the end of my inner dance experiential session, I burst into laughter when I was made to lie down. My crying switched to laughter. I can literally feel the energy coming out from my core, at the abdominal diaphragm area. It was so intense that I couldn't stop at all. I felt like it's going to go on, and that my esophagus and throat seems too narrow for it to let out.
As Daniw was coaxing my senses, calming me down at towards the end, she caressed me, humming to the light-hearted tune of :'Somewhere over the rainbows' - one of my favourite song. I felt so good and that she gave me something that I longed for sub-consciously. For in my memory, I couldn't remember if my mom ever did this to me. Slowly, I began to weep and cry again.
I felt so overwhelmed, my senses heightened and I was so taken aback by everything that had happened. It happened too fast. I very much needed space and time to process it slowly, like chewing my food so that I can receive its full nutrients.
I felt I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to go back to the Inner dance advance workshop either but I was so blank. I express it softly to my partner, and I thought that I didn't want to sound like I'm so troublesome so I just went ahead with him anyway.
Well, after the catharsis, there was so much challenges. This time the challenge is on all levels; physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.
Feeling real awful now, but I know its happening here for my highest good. I'll definitely have a good laugh after I past through all this...
...mmm... when will that be?
Ha ha! Ha ha ha!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)